It’s in this imaginary state that I allow myself to see the world in a different way, that just the way my eyes register everything is different. I see connections between phone lines and business signs, thinking of how I could subvert the power to certain letters to spell out secret messages to only those who understand. That there is some big interconnected web of people who think and see just like I do, who would instantly know of who I am, what I am capable of when it comes to this imaginary war against the machine. That we consider ourselves more awakened than those around us, there is some key that we have access to that others don’t.
My mind races to all of these imaginary outcomes that allow me to be more than who I am. That I’m not just some random guy doing random things, but a being awaiting awakening to do something magnificent with my life. Perhaps it’s that I find my life too placid, too boring to be noteworthy. Perhaps it’s just that there has always been some feeling that I wanted to do something bigger than myself at some point in my life but have yet to actually have the capability to do so. Maybe I’m just waiting to find my place in the world, and my love for these types of characters makes me wish that it was that version of self that I was destined to be.
I don’t know exactly where I’m heading with this description, perhaps I’m trying to find the exact words to properly describe what it is that I feel inside and have yet to find them. But moreover, I think I’m trying to figure it out myself, and kind of using you, the reader as a soundboard for it. Maybe you know something I don’t, maybe one of you is actually living the life I’m describing and can see what it is that I mean, know what I’m feeling, and maybe have the key to unlocking my understanding of it. I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow with the skills of a hacker, but at least to know what it is I’m seeking.
I feel kind of like Neo in The Matrix, before the pill, waiting to be awakened from this false reality and have my eyes opened to the real world. To know that this idea that I’ve had in my head that something is wrong with the world is actually true, or perhaps find out that maybe I’ve just been wasting time and mental effort on things and that I need to stop fantasizing and grow up. Either way would at least be an answer. I guess that’s what we’re all looking for in the grand scheme of things, some form of answer, and to know where it is that we rest in this world. What it is that we’re doing, and how we go about completing whatever goal is set out for our lives at the start.